Thursday, December 16, 2010

Starting over and hope

When all else was lost, I still had hope. Throughout my life there have been short peaks and deep valleys. Prison was the darkest valley in my life, and yet, I had hope. There was hope I could overcome the label and live a normal life. There was hope my ex-wife would find peace in her heart and there was hope someday we'd reconcile. There was hope for something better.

In my previous article, I likened Brandi to my relationship with society. Today solidified that. Love so easily turns to hate.Life as a sex offender can be that way. In April 2005, life was as good as I could make it under the circumstances. I was dating a beautiful young lady, I had a job and money in the bank, and my own place. It was just over a year removed from being homeless. I was "beating the odds." I may not have been making a six figure income and driving a Jag, but I was happy. It all changed the day I received the notice the state of Ohio was changing my classification. It was followed by notice my approved sleeping room was too close to a school and I had to move. My girlfriend left me fearing my status change. Though I fought so hard, I lost all I worked to achieve.

I was homeless again, though only temporary, as I had found a new apartment and would wait two months for the apartment to finish renovations. I was starting over again, but I had hope that I would rebuild. It was that time, in 2006, that my dream to reconcile with Brandi was fulfilled. That glimmer of hope was just that -- a glimmer. In early 2007, we broke up. I turned my anguish and despair into my book "Once Fallen." I thrust my frustrations into my activism.

In 2008 Brandi and I reconciled a third time, and recently, we broke up a third time. I cataloged my despair on this blog; I questioned whether I have ever accomplished anything in the past decade. It is hard to see someone I loved more than life itself sees me as an enemy. In the blink of an eyes, the love turned to hate. The one who had been there in my darkest hours of life has abandoned me and created a new darkest hour in my life. I've lost it all over again.

When I had nothing, I had hope. Hope is a hard thing to maintain in times of darkness. There was plenty of darkness and despair this week. It is hard to accept the contempt of someone I loved so deeply but I have no choice. I struggled to search for hope. It is not easy to find it alone, or even with new friends. Without hope, however, what else is there?

I know this storm will pass, like the storms I faced in the past. If I have nothing else, I have hope. I had nothing in prison but hope. Each starting over is a chance for something new.

I'm starting over again, as before. This time, hope is not coming easy. It has become harder to grasp each time. I must have hope, because without it, I have nothing.


  1. Have faith that there are those of us out there who also hope that the world will someday open it's eyes and realize how useless this whole system of registries has become. We don't all have to be on the registry to be effected or have it touch someone we love. We know their true heart and know what kind people they all are regardless of what LIST they are on.

  2. Thank you for your kind words. I'm just hurting over losing someone who was once so close to me. If those closest to us feel this way, it hurts even worse.

  3. Yes, it hurts so badly when someone who we thought was our 'soft place to fall', abandons or betrays us,but, . . . never give up hope. And do not let this hurt close your heart off. There are those of us out there who understand unconditional love. Best of luck to you.

  4. I know what you are feeling and saying all too well. I was convicted over 17 yrs ago and served 10+ yrs and was released a few yrs ago and I have never been back inside of a jail cell.

    I was recently denied removal from the registry bc I failed to word my petition correctly bc I cant afford a lawyer and represented myself.

    Hope is a strong thing but you have to be strong to believe in it.

    Keep your head up bc if you can endure incarceration you can endure anything. Anything worth having is worth the hard work.It wont be easy but it will be well worth it to know in your heart the character of your existence.

  5. Thanks to those commenting. I know I can overcome even this adversity. It seems harder because of the one involved. I had a rough three months but it isn't like its the first time.

    The holidays are going to be rough.