Saturday, September 18, 2010

AM I A MONSTER?

http://www.newsnet14.com/images/SexOffender2009-05-22-1243031455.jpg
"Are they monster? You bet they are. You bet they are." -- Ron Book, Florida Lobbyist and advocate for stricter residency laws

AM I A MONSTER? The answer has plagued my mind for days on end. My neighbors watch me with suspicious eyes and gossip behind my back. People shout obscenities at me while I'm walking down the street. People devote website to hating and attacking me. I am put on a public list, and that makes people afraid.

Recently, my now ex-fiancee was told by her neighbor, a child, "That man who comes over to your house, he' a bad man, he hurts people." He's a monster. We could not get married because she has a child so the law won't allow it. We could not easily go on trips together or attend kid friendly events together out of fear of vigilantes.

My ex-fiancee could not take it anymore so she left me. Even she began seeing me as a monster. I will never forget that she sees me as a monster. I can never forget.

AM I A MONSTER? Am I eternally doomed to virtual exile? Is death my only escape? Once fallen, can anyone restore his or her own life? Is there hope? Is there forgiveness? Is there LOVE?

If I am a "monster," then I have none of those things. If that is the case, why should I bother to fight anymore? I have lost everything-- my family, my friends, even the one person in this world I truly loved. All I have left is instinct to survive. I have fought not because I wanted to because I felt I did not have a choice.

http://www.oncefallen.com/sitebuilder/images/Sex_Offenders_-_Forgivable-242x166.jpgEvery morning I wake up from a nightmare and into a bigger nightmare of life. Every day I am gripped with the thought of the hells in tore for me today. I wonder what new law will be passed out of fear of the people on that public list. I wonder what more people can do to harm me. I fall deeper and deeper into despair. It is as if even God himself has forsaken me. Each day is filled with one objective-- finding the will to live.

I'm sure this makes those who hate me feel happy. It is sad how people get such pleasure from another person's suffering. They love to point out the harm I caused, but if they get pleasure out of my pain, then what does that make them?

AM I A MONSTER? The Cypress Times wrote an article last year called "The Monster Next Door: The Plague of American Sex Offenders." In it he says this:

“There’s no such thing as monsters.” We tell our kids that. The truth is that monsters are real. A real live monster might live next door to you, or across the street from your child’s school, even around the corner from your church. These monsters are called “Sex Offenders”, a label that is far too innocuous to convey the evil of those who have earned it.

Most people agree with him. To most people, we are all "monsters." It does not matter what landed us on the registry, whether we are rehabilitated or not, or whether or not we are a threat of any kind. To them, we are ALL "monsters."They have made up their minds. [To the Cypress Times's credit, they did allow me to write a counter-argument]

It was funny when I typed in the words "sex offenders are" into Google. It did not end with "monsters." Instead the first item that came up was "sex offenders are people too." The article begins with a quote by GK Chesterton:

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything is hopeless.

It stopped me in the middle of writing this post. It was a different view on sex offenders than the norm. Forgiveness? The sex offender is a "human being?" What audacity! The article asks this question:

While a child who has been harmed deserves justice, does an offender who has served the sentence required of him deserve a second chance at life?

Read that article in its entirety and you will see she discovered she was truly blind to the issues until it impacted her family. she once held the same views as the majority. That's the issue I have with society-- no one is ever aware of what these laws do to us.

People have blindly supported laws because "monsters" don't deserve to be treated like human beings. People find it hard to believe the effects the laws have in my personal life. They did not know what they were supporting.

AM I A MONSTER? If I am, then why do I feel pain, remorse, heartbreak, and sadness? I am reminded of the classic work "Frankenstein."http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8f/FRANKENSTEIN_MUST_BE_DESTROYED_POSTER.jpg

Victor Frankenstein created a "Monster." He feared the monster. He flees the "monster" he created. The "monster" was abandoned. It was confused, angry at being abandoned, and afraid. This poor creature sought out friendship and acceptance, only to be met with derision and violence against him. His own creator betrayed him. The "monster" could find no peace, neither in reaching out to others or by getting revenge on his creator. In the end the "monster" destroys himself.

I feel like Frankenstein's "Monster." I have been searching for love and acceptance but I am only met with anger, derision, fear, and violence. AM I TRULY A MONSTER?

It does not matter what I have done since my release. It does not matter I have never been suspected of any wrongdoing. It does not matter that I have never re-offended. It does not matter I have made reparations and atoned for the wrongs I have committed to the extent allowable. In the eyes of society, I committed the unforgivable sin, and there can never be a pardon.

I wish I could say I am not a "monster." If I am not a monster, what am I? Even the angels desire to he human. If only I knew the answer.

26 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you as I read your post. I pray that the day will come when you can live in peace. (And, by the way, your Creator has NOT forsaken you. He loves you, before, now and always.)

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  2. I've only known rejection and abandonment long before I became an RSO. The part part about living i what we experienced early in life is hard to override when we get older. I lost two people in the past month, one to life and one to death. Each has its disadvantages but each is painful in different ways. We can't even grieve like regular people due to our status. I just long to be free by any means necessary, even if death is the only way out.

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  3. Derek, I understand your great despair, but know this, Only you know who and what you are. Only you can answer your question.

    In all my trials and tribulation, this is something that I knew. I know, who I am and what I am. That gives me much comfort and pride that I am not what others said I was.

    Yes, the laws are punitive in effect. So much so that they can send individuals into deep despair. Especially when they cause a breakup of a long time relationship.

    All this will pass. Time is on your side. You will heal and be a better person for it.

    You are being refined in the fire of affliction, as gold is refined in it's crucible.

    Derek, it isn't what others think of you, it's what you know and believe, WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF! Pure and simple.

    I've known you to be a good person. Your out front in this fight and you do a superb job.

    Don't worry about the haters. I have attorneys looking into a few places that have my supposed registry picture and I'm not even on the registry. ANYWHERE!

    I've always known you to be a fighter. A fighter for sane sex offender laws. A fighter for human and civil rights for ALL Americans. Even the haters!

    Be proud of what you have done and better yet, be proud of who and what you are.

    A FORMER offender, a FIGHTER for freedom. Also, you are a very fine author. "Once Fallen" is a success, because of it's well researched content.

    I remember, several times, when these laws in Oklahoma became so repressive that I almost committed suicide several times. BUT I DIDN'T because deep down inside I refused to give up HOPE!

    Hope that somehow, I can make a difference. I believe I have made a difference in individual lives and in educating the public by quoting reliable,relevant studies and research.

    Yes, you are hounded daily by double minded people, unstable in all their ways. Ignorant, unstable haters. I laugh at them. I always have.

    They can't hurt you more than what these laws have already done to you and others. They are like Nat's on a dogs ass. A little bothersome at first. They have opened themselves up for some big time law suits and time will take care of them!

    But HOPE and KEEP HOPE ALIVE! because when you loose hope you lost everything.

    I feel your heartache with the breakup and I believe that is more than likely the hardest thing to deal with at this time. This too shall pass!

    LGR

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  4. No, you are not a monster. Monsters do not exist. I do know how you feel, to an extent, but don't give up, that is what they want.

    Look to God, he created you for a reason, and God doesn't create monsters.

    The Elephant Man - Train Station Scene

    Peace & God Bless!

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  5. I'm trying but not succeeding. It is easier to give someone else hope than it is to give myself that same hope. I try to be strong but right now I feel anything but strong. I just want to die. I'm in so much pain I jut want it to stop.

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  6. God Bless you Once! I pray that God lifts your burdens in ways that you can't imagine! I pray that relief and justice comes from avenues not expected. As Lets said, Gold comes through the trials of fire, and is refined and purified. Be strong, and lean on God when you run out of strength. What's going on is not God's fault, but happened because as humans we have the choice to do wrong, both us and the other side. Things will get better! Hang in there!!

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  7. Well then, Get Mad! Your a HUMAN BEING, YOUR LIFE HAS VALUE! But first, see a doctor and get on anti-anxiety medication, it works wonders for people who are under a lot of stress.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_qgVn-Op7Q

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  8. It is your own mind you fight with. Your thoughts are your biggest enemy - far more so than those who have forsaken you or 'us' (those stained w/ that evil label). Surely you are aware that each of us - probably w/o exception - has been taken so low by the cruelty and punishment that accompanies the branding - that we have wanted to escape. At one point I spent time researching the best way to commit suicide . If I weren't capable of taking another human beings life, then I could no more take my own. So for a looooooong while I just anguished to return to the 'other side'. I wanted to get the hell outta Dodge; 'these people' are mean, spiteful, cruel, selfish, void of compassion and decency, etc., etc. - I don't want to ever come back. Leave them here to destroy themselves. Just let me go to the Peace and Love that is pure and beautiful back at 'Home'.

    I have fed my body strictly whole foods, those absent of dyes and preservatives, those most closely to their natural state and followed a regime of daily exercise. I have also fed my body a staple of sugar....and more sugar (my one addiction, not a joke - for real), void of real sustenance, and of course no routine of exercise was I committed to under that deluge. You know where I'm going with this certainly, don't you? Your body and mind can only be a product of what you feed it. No mystery there.

    What is good is that you have not given up all hope. You may think you have, but if that were the case you would be isolating yourself, and thus be in true danger of that which you only contemplate. No, if you had lost all hope you would not be reaching out as you are, looking for something that will kill your pain - and hoping to find it in all these words of comfort. You know how many of us support you, admire your work and devotion to this cause we stand up for, and have come to know you as a friend. However, you read these words and in no time at all they have been left at the side of the road. Your mind goes back, over and over to the thoughts that will only bring you more suffering. And IT IS difficult, because the outside appearances / world make it easy to dwell there. We can only extend our hands to you, we can only offer you tools to 'save' you, but only you can choose to empower yourself. You have to stand guard at the gate of your thoughts, you have to choose to dismiss those that indulge your fear, suffering and pain and allow through ONLY those that will bring you sustenance and strength. Of course this is not easy, it is almost insurmountable - almost. If one person achieves something - that means you can too. "Your choices of action may be limited, but your choices of thought are not." We are all in a state of maintaining, every 'Now' moment we have a choice to observe the state of mind our thoughts put us in, and control them.

    I'll leave you with another 'tool' - one that is hard to use in practice, but He who showed us the Way taught this - those very people who condemn you, us - the 'haters' - if we do not find compassion for them and their ignorance then how can we hope for them to find the same for us? They are the ones truly sick, they can't acknowledge their own wrong - it would destruct their egos. I once heard ego stands for Easing God Out. That's a good one huh? So as you pointed out in your very own writing, and I believe this to be so myself, God / The Divine, does not quantify sin. Sin is sin. We have sinned, 'they' have sinned. Are we going to put this in practice or what? I know it seems almost insurmountable - almost. But if One can do it - it is achievable by all. ....And even the least among you can do greater things than these. Not just a noble truth, but we are 'Saved' by living it, we are lost when not.

    Peace be with you,
    LC

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  9. I have followed your work fer quite sometime now. You have given hope when there seemed to be none. I also have flirted with doing what your thinking about but somehow hope would come through.Derek just a simple phrase from the movie "Patriot"..."Stay the course". You are a leader even though now you may not feel like one..."Stay the course" I like you and so many others have lost everything...My son, my wife, respect from others and even self-respect...I became anathema to friends, family, spiritual peers. I was at one time a well known minister and evangelist. Though alot of folks have turned away and written me off...My God has never, never, never left me or forsaken me.
    This may be a turning point for you. It may be a good place to be right now. This is the day God has given to you for you to enter His rest. Fear not, don't be afraid, This is the day to cry out to your creater who knew you and what you would do before you were born and HE LOVES YOU. Even as I write this I can sense Him and I am convinced that HE is calling for you.
    You are a leader for rightiosness, for justice and for mercy. These are God qualities....."Stay The Course"

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  10. Hang in there, Derek! I wish I had something to say that didn't sound hollow or cliche, but know this - your work and courage has been extremely valuable to me and my loved ones trying to navigate all of the ridiculous laws pertaining to SOs. You have been an encouragement to me and I hope that that can in turn be an encouragement to you!

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  11. I can only hope that more people will read this. You pass it on to as many people as you possibly can.

    I, myself, and very disheartened and afraid for those who are convicted offenders due to the fact that they are unable to attain a life of "normalcy"...it is unfair, it is unjust. What more could be more tragic in our nation than that of the Julia Tuttle Causeway?

    I applaud you for your efforts, Mr. Logue. I admire your strength and the strength of those just like you who are out there. Don't give up and don't lose hope. Don't let this conviction drag you down...you were put on this earth for a reason and one day there will be a revolution to change the unjust maltreatment of our people...ONE NATION UNDER GOD. Can we please revert back to the philosophy that our country was significantly founded on?

    I pray for your freedom, the freedom of your heart and your soul to seek out your peace. I stand with you.

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  12. One thing that Came to my mind while I was reading this. What do you have to hide? Its not like you are a "invisible" person out there that is hiding behind the Computer. If they call you a "Monster" its cause they dont know YOU. To me there is NEVER a good reason to take any life to take away the pain, The pain does not go away just cause the person is no longer here. Friends and Family are left behind to suffer for the lose.Now getting back to hiding, If you were hiding something does anyone think that you would be out here posting the things that you do...hell no! For those that have their names out there Good Job (such as the blogger). Honesty is Key here and while reading this I was getting the honesty out of the blogger. Now some might say "Yeah but look at his Past" That doesnt matter any more cause we are in the PRESENT. Why do some like to go to the past and call you a "MONSTER" its cause they themselves are not happy in their life and want to make others miserable like them and it makes them look better. What a shame! Thanks for ALL the work that you do. Your site is filled with plenty of information to get the real information layed out on the table.Keep up the good work.

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  13. Thanks to all who have responded thus far.

    I think people forget we actually feel pain. They don't realize what they support causes harm. The law took my love away. I'll never forgive the law for that. Sometimes I feel the fight is all I have. I have spent countless hours researching these laws, creating study guides, hearing others' complaints, and offering assistance on various projects. I am indeed loyal to the cause and would give my life for it a I have already done. But there are days I wish it never happened, that I was a regular person again. I could be married and have a family. I could go on trips and not worry about AWA. I want that world for all of us!

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  14. Derek, Neither myself nor any family member has experienced the hatred directed at registered sex offenders. When I became aware of this world I jumped in with both feet. With nothing personal to gain I was able to say things that others cold not. And I did speak out long and loud 16 hours a day year after year. I helped create a successful group and ran it until others thought they could do a better job. Maybe they are. I don’t know. I do know when I was mourning the death of my child I was still being bashed by those I devoted my life to.
    I don’t miss the hours nor the heavy load. I did it because nobody else was willing to do it and the group would have been closed. I am a member of a group of friends but any activist activities I do are strictly personal projects.
    Much of this hatred comes from those that claim to be Christian. That has become a title with no compassion and no forgiveness. It is spiritual people who have these traits and do not put themselves above God. Hurting another person is wrong but spiritual people do have a capacity for forgiveness.
    These haters always assume a child has been victimized. How many of these people are there to offer individual support to these child victims? It doesn’t happen. Hatred for an offender does not involve caring enough about children to get involved.
    Society has decided sexual assault is a fate worse than death. I totally disagree. Look at the young woman that was held captive for 18 years. Look at Elizabeth Smart. They are not emotional cripples because they are survivors that were once victimized. It likely took counseling and counseling should be available to all that need it. Society prefers victims over survivors.
    You screwed up. Derek. You are living in a time when the definition of a sex crime includes panty raids. The number of things you can be registered for has gone from 20 to 200. The only reason people pay for the exorbitant cost of registration is to insure further punishment. In spite of their rulings Supreme Court Justices know nobody will pay that kind of money for information.
    The public has been educated. Four years prior to implementation of the registry sex crimes were on the decline. Even with all of the additional offences the rate still continues to spiral slowly downward. New Jersery did a study that concluded that there was no proof that the registry had any effect on the single low digit recidivism rate. Many studies have shown the same thing. That tells us that it is not being supported for reading material. It gives names and faces to feed the haters.
    One in five American children live below the poverty level. Maybe the UN should send shipments of food, tents and other tools of humanity to keep people alive. American money does not even go toward protecting the purity of children but it flows in rivers to punish after an incident has taken place.
    If Reve Walsh had been a responsible parent and held onto her son’s had while inside the mall we would be living in a different world. Leaving a child alone in a vehicle or unattended in a mall is child endangerment, illegal and an invitation to tragedy.
    A lesson everyone needs to learn is to keep your hands off kids in an inappropriate manner. And society must stop doing everything possible to encourage recidivism. This has never been about protecting the children. Sex offenders are necessary for glory, riches and political clout. It is a huge, profitable business that many pretend to hate and pray that it will thrive. You decide who the monsters are among us.

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  15. I don't give a damn if people think I'm an asshole. To the coward who wrote it, fuck you, you stupid cocksucking punk ass bitch. If I'm an asshole because I won't take shit from a fucked up unforgiving society who feels like they are entitled to fuck with my life or the life of my loved ones because they're armchair vigilantes with nothing better to do than condemn people.

    Just once JUST ONE FUCKING TIME, I'd love for one of you anonymous fucks to get in my face so I can bah your fucking skulls into the pavement.

    Bring it on, motherfucker!

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  16. I really hope that wasn't directed at my post please reread it.Our society does not care about protecting children. They want to push you until you live down to their expectations. This is a screwed up world as I tried to point out. I have always been against the current laws.

    Do you think Walsh wants this to stop? He has become an expert in marketing dead children. There are many others that have profited greatly. Think how many people RSO's provide paychecks for.
    If you took this as an attack against you I did a poor job of writing. I thought I pointed out very clearly who the monsters are in this world. You aren't one of them. You are only a scapegoat for others to step on and achieve fame, glory and riches. Calm down and reread my words. I don;t think there is any way you are profiting from this huge business venture.
    If my post was seen as an attack I will post no more. I will await your response.

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  17. No, I was directing my tirade at at another post that I deleted from some prick who called me an asshole. Since I deleted the comment no one can see it. But I have a good idea who wrote it.

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  18. I don't know about asshole but pain in the ass are words of praise coming from an opponent.. It indicates accomplishment.
    You are in a vulnerable spot in your personal life and have taken some serious blows. Things that normally spur you on now cause pain.
    Fighting has not been a choice. You had the fire inside that has driven you when you are dog-tired and need a break. When the fire in your gut is gone it is not something you can reclaim at will. It may be gone for good but you have made your mark in many places.
    You must heal and regain your strength. The enemy has not beaten you. It took the words and actions of a loved one to pierce your amour and inflict self doubt. That is the wound that needs tending.

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  19. Hi exact word were I'm an asshole but not a monster.

    I guess maybe it was not so bad, really.

    I do not normally drink but I did when I wrote it.

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  20. Much better. Darned near a complement. I have read posts where people called you some things that pale in comparison. You laughed them off and fired right back. I would have sworn you enjoyed the verbal exchanges. When you wrote a post asking this question I figured you were opening a door to a lot of loonies. If this is the worst that you have received I think some of your enemies are on vacation.

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  21. It was really bad for a while -- anonymous death threats, 3 am phone calls, following me across the internet and posting up at every place I commented), blog devoted just to me (which are still up) -- but it tapered off. Maybe they gave up on trying to scare me into submission. I don't care easily, especially from cowardly anonymous fucks.

    It seems ironic, but all the hate jut motivated me even more.

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  22. Hey man. Got in the conversation a little late. I have something going on right now so I am not keeping up like I was.

    Your good dude!! I know how you feel. I am thankful that my wife has not left me even after all the the AWA put us through. I too have finished my time just to have the AWA re-sentence me again.

    But Derek, death is not the answer. Living is! No they don't like us and most don't care either. But just like everyone has mentioned, we were all created for a purpose despite our crimes. Believe it or not, society is beginning to turn around and they are starting to see what the politician's have done.

    Living is a slap in the face of the haters. To quote a bible verse "This Too Shall Pass". We are NOT destined to live like this forever. The United States is in much turmoil at the moment. RSO's are only one issue this country is facing right now. Staying alive to fight is the most magnificent battle plan we have.

    You have been and will continue to be an excellent fighter in this unjust legal battle. I with you too. I feel it, but I won't get up till I die. The haters are cowards. All of them. Not one of the could bear what all RSO's have had to go through. It's easier to through the stone than it is to receive the hit from it. The Coward Haters cannot do what we do and never will!!!

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  23. Folks who love their children are just simply not inclined to accept the representation of a sex offender that he is "cured," and thus is no possible threat to their children. They are unwilling to take the chance that a particular registered sex offender in their neighborhood just might be one of the small minority of sex offenders who has been renovated and no longer desires abnormal relationships with children. Who can possibly blame parents for being cautious in this manner? It is not they who are to blame for the circumstances; it is the offender!

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  24. You're just not "lookinhard" enough. First off, you meant to say the overwhelming number of registrants are NOT a risk and DO NOT RE-OFFEND. Second of all, what do parents do about thev 95% of people who commit sex crimes who ARE NOT on a registry? "Caution" should be across the board. Third, in my case, the ex could not deal with the trickle down effect of the registry, punishing her for choosing to love me. Then she started drinking the kool-aid from the vat of the sheeple like you.

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  25. i wish i had the ability to see past this label, but i don't... I fear i am one of these people that will pull their child away, and watch you like a hawk. I fear i would be that person that is always slightly angered when you walk in the room. Though, just because i lack that ability does not mean that there is not someone out there that can see with eyes not blinded by hate. Keep searching, i honestly hope you find happiness. It is up to you who you are.... and you alone....

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  26. And to you I would ask while you are "watching me like a hawk," what you are doing about the 95% of the risks to your kid who are not on any list? I'm not asking to be alone with kids, not because I'm a risk, I'm certainly no risk, but because of how brainwashed people like YOU in society are about this subject. Wake up and get an education, turn off the Nancy Grace, and realize that your actions and thoughts are flat out wrong. People like YOU are the reason I stay angry.

    The registry is wrong, people like you are wrong, and that is the bottom line.

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