AM I A MONSTER? The answer has plagued my mind for days on end. My neighbors watch me with suspicious eyes and gossip behind my back. People shout obscenities at me while I'm walking down the street. People devote website to hating and attacking me. I am put on a public list, and that makes people afraid.
Recently, my now ex-fiancee was told by her neighbor, a child, "That man who comes over to your house, he' a bad man, he hurts people." He's a monster. We could not get married because she has a child so the law won't allow it. We could not easily go on trips together or attend kid friendly events together out of fear of vigilantes.
My ex-fiancee could not take it anymore so she left me. Even she began seeing me as a monster. I will never forget that she sees me as a monster. I can never forget.
AM I A MONSTER? Am I eternally doomed to virtual exile? Is death my only escape? Once fallen, can anyone restore his or her own life? Is there hope? Is there forgiveness? Is there LOVE?
If I am a "monster," then I have none of those things. If that is the case, why should I bother to fight anymore? I have lost everything-- my family, my friends, even the one person in this world I truly loved. All I have left is instinct to survive. I have fought not because I wanted to because I felt I did not have a choice.
Every morning I wake up from a nightmare and into a bigger nightmare of life. Every day I am gripped with the thought of the hells in tore for me today. I wonder what new law will be passed out of fear of the people on that public list. I wonder what more people can do to harm me. I fall deeper and deeper into despair. It is as if even God himself has forsaken me. Each day is filled with one objective-- finding the will to live.
I'm sure this makes those who hate me feel happy. It is sad how people get such pleasure from another person's suffering. They love to point out the harm I caused, but if they get pleasure out of my pain, then what does that make them?
AM I A MONSTER? The Cypress Times wrote an article last year called "The Monster Next Door: The Plague of American Sex Offenders." In it he says this:
“There’s no such thing as monsters.” We tell our kids that. The truth is that monsters are real. A real live monster might live next door to you, or across the street from your child’s school, even around the corner from your church. These monsters are called “Sex Offenders”, a label that is far too innocuous to convey the evil of those who have earned it.
Most people agree with him. To most people, we are all "monsters." It does not matter what landed us on the registry, whether we are rehabilitated or not, or whether or not we are a threat of any kind. To them, we are ALL "monsters."They have made up their minds. [To the Cypress Times's credit, they did allow me to write a counter-argument]
It was funny when I typed in the words "sex offenders are" into Google. It did not end with "monsters." Instead the first item that came up was "sex offenders are people too." The article begins with a quote by GK Chesterton:
To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything is hopeless.
It stopped me in the middle of writing this post. It was a different view on sex offenders than the norm. Forgiveness? The sex offender is a "human being?" What audacity! The article asks this question:
While a child who has been harmed deserves justice, does an offender who has served the sentence required of him deserve a second chance at life?
Read that article in its entirety and you will see she discovered she was truly blind to the issues until it impacted her family. she once held the same views as the majority. That's the issue I have with society-- no one is ever aware of what these laws do to us.
People have blindly supported laws because "monsters" don't deserve to be treated like human beings. People find it hard to believe the effects the laws have in my personal life. They did not know what they were supporting.
AM I A MONSTER? If I am, then why do I feel pain, remorse, heartbreak, and sadness? I am reminded of the classic work "Frankenstein."
Victor Frankenstein created a "Monster." He feared the monster. He flees the "monster" he created. The "monster" was abandoned. It was confused, angry at being abandoned, and afraid. This poor creature sought out friendship and acceptance, only to be met with derision and violence against him. His own creator betrayed him. The "monster" could find no peace, neither in reaching out to others or by getting revenge on his creator. In the end the "monster" destroys himself.
I feel like Frankenstein's "Monster." I have been searching for love and acceptance but I am only met with anger, derision, fear, and violence. AM I TRULY A MONSTER?
It does not matter what I have done since my release. It does not matter I have never been suspected of any wrongdoing. It does not matter that I have never re-offended. It does not matter I have made reparations and atoned for the wrongs I have committed to the extent allowable. In the eyes of society, I committed the unforgivable sin, and there can never be a pardon.
I wish I could say I am not a "monster." If I am not a monster, what am I? Even the angels desire to he human. If only I knew the answer.